The BlogHer conventions are well known for their amazing parties and opportunities.  Well, this is a story of how a great opportunity can go unexpectedly bad.  I’ve left out names to protect the innocent since it really wasn’t their fault that this dinner turned out to be my worst nightmare.

My one and only private party invite came from a well known food blogger that I had made acquaintance with last year.  I was so excited since the invite was for dinner Thursday night and so we didn’t have to worry about buying dinner in the city.

The sponsor sent out confirmation of the dinner and our attendance.  There was a long list of food bloggers, then me and Kathleen.  We were out of our league, but no matter, still going to be awesome.

Right?

Well. Not exactly.

Kathleen kept referencing “squid ink spaghetti” all day long.  It took me hours to actually ask her, “what the hell are you talking about?”  And she says, “Dinner tonight.  It’s what we are having.”

I’m like, Oh Hell No!  “What are you talking about?”

Sure enough…seafood menu from hell.  For a girl who doesn’t even eat fish sticks.

Holy shit. 

I told her, I’m sure there will be an alternate menu.  Not everyone likes this stuff.

Right?

Nope.  Not right here, either.

We arrived on time, were seated, gave hugs and handshakes to our host, all the time just dying on the inside.

Should I tell them I can’t eat this?

I looked around for an alternate menu.  I smiled.

Holy shit.

They poured me a glass of wine and brought bread to our table.

Thank God.

Then dinner started.

First up:  Thinly sliced Octopus with fennel and arugula salad.

Kill.Me.Now.

Here I did decide to do something I have never done before…I actually took a bite.  A very tiny bite, but a bite nonetheless.  People who know me will be shocked by this statement.  It didn’t smell horrible, so I figured, what the hell, right?

Ugh.  Octopus is rubbery and tentacley.

Kathleen and I just laughed and looked at our plates in horror.  We ate more bread.

About this time, we did make friends with two fabulous sisters sitting next to us.  They were so much fun to “talk shop” with and enjoyed their company a lot.  This made what was coming up next a little more bearable…

Shrimp.  With little beady eyes and creepy crawly legs staring back up at us from their plate of Fava Bean salad.

Kathleen actually ate her shrimp and looked at me to suggest I at least try the fava bean salad.  I told her I couldn’t eat fava beans because they just make me think of brains and I busted out an amazing impersonation of Hannibal Lechter.

You know that part of the movie, right?  He says he’s going to eat someone with a “side of fava beans?”  We both busted out in a fit of laughter when we realized I was being video taped!  Holy hell.  I hope that got edited out…not my finest moment.

More wine please?

Squid Ink Spaghetti.

Yeah.  I gagged a little, too.  I mean…who thinks of this shit??

“Oh, let’s just squeeze the ink out of this squid and mix it with some pasta…doesn’t that sound delish??!”

Um, NO.  No it does not.  And it smelled even worse!!  It was topped with some lobster bisque and shrimp which just made it that much better.

By this time they had quit refilling the bread bowl and I was starving.  Luckily, they were still pouring wine which made it just a little bit more bearable.

A little bit.

The night continued, but my iPhone completely died and so I couldn’t get pictures of the dead baby cow entree or cheese “dessert.”

Note to fancy restaurants:  Cheese is NOT dessert.  CheeseCAKE is.  I’m sure it was an honest mistake.

Anyways, the people hosting the party were so very nice but, honestly, the entire “weird” food menu really sucked.  It was quite possibly the worst three hours of my life.

Except now I have a funny story to tell about my first sponsored dinner at Blogher.